DISCLAIMER: This post is intended to be satire for entertainment purposes. 

Every year the month of May rolls around and I’m reminded of how much I despise this month. 

May is the second to last month of the school year. The weather starts to warm up, and students start to get excited for summer. After spring break I start to get excited for school to get out, then I remember that May is in the way and I still have a month and a half to wait. I can almost taste summer, but there’s still so long to go. 

AP testing takes place every May. Personally I don’t take any AP classes, but my friends who are in AP classes feel immense amounts of stress because of these tests, with SBA testing coming up and shortly after that are finals in June. AP testing is unavoidable for my AP friends, but they make May that much less enjoyable because they’re too busy studying to hangout with me. 

Since school is coming to a close soon, the classwork starts to get harder. Schools love to put the most difficult work into the last few chapters of the year, so then you’re doing more difficult work while studying for finals all while desperately waiting to be freed from the shackles of the school year. 

The seniors have it even worse. Around now is when senioritis sets in. Badly. Students stop trying to do work, and some give up entirely on attending school. Seniors also get to finish school a few weeks before underclassmen, so the anticipation of summer is even worse for them. 

If they haven’t done so already, seniors start to worry about college. Students heading into college in the fall have the pressure of moving and costs, all laying beneath the stress of the schools they’re already attending. 

While the weather is starting to get a bit better, it is still spring. Also known as the worst season of the year. In Washington, spring includes all the rain of fall but without the cute fall outfits and pretty falling leaves. Some trees and plants are sprouting, but I don’t get a chance to really enjoy it because of how wet it is outside. 

Spring outfits are usually light colors and warm tones. I am a Winter/Fall color scheme girlie, and spring shades dull my natural tones and draw out the yellow in my skin. This makes it very hard to shop in stores during spring, because all the clothes are in colors that I don’t look good in. 

Summer outfits are cute tops and shorts, fall outfits are sweaters and tights, winter outfits are coats and boots. But what is a spring outfit? It has to be warm like a fall outfit, but when trying to avoid a fall color scheme it’s harder to find outfits appropriate for the spring colors and the weather. 

Spring is the start of allergy season. While there are some pretty flowers and the leaves are coming back onto the trees, they bring with them the horrible musty stench of pollen and people with allergies (myself included) are sneezing every two minutes.

Additionally, pollen attracts the bees. I am deathly afraid of bees. I’ve never been stung before, but I think that I would rather die than be stung by a bee. “They’re harmless!” Nuh uh. No sir. They are demon bugs that have hate in their hearts, their goal is to destroy the human race one bee sting at a time. I pee myself a little in fear every time I hear the malicious buzz of a bumblebee. 

Most months of the year have at least one major holiday. December has Christmas, February has Valentine’s Day, etc. One of the only significant holidays in May is Mother’s Day, which has no direct tie to the date and could be celebrated at any time of year. Memorial Day is the same way, it could be celebrated any time of year.

Don’t get me wrong, these are important holidays, and it’s important that they are celebrated. However, if we were to remove May from the twelve months these holidays could be relocated to any other month. 

Memorial Day was created on May 30, 1868 to commemorate the people who died in the Civil War. They had no reason to choose that specific day, and if they had chosen a day later it very well could’ve been celebrated in June. 

Mother’s Day was created by Anna Jarvis on May 12, 1907 as a memorial for her mothers death. Any daughter could’ve created it for any of their mother’s deaths, so it could be celebrated any time of year. 

The first week of May is the worst. On May 4, people celebrate it as Star Wars Day. “May the Fourth be with you” – HaHaHa! So funny every time. I am not a huge fan of Star Wars, but I don’t adamantly hate it until May 4 comes around and every person I meet is making the same overused joke. 

The very next day is May 5. Cinco de Mayo is a far more tolerable holiday than the other holidays in May, and it celebrates the anniversary of Mexican troops invading the French at the Battle of Puebla. It’s a cultural celebration, and one of the only holidays in May that I like. 

However, the tolerability of Cinco de Mayo is ruined the next day when May 6 arises. Another bad Star Wars pun that I hear every year is “Revenge of the Sixth” – haha guys you are so silly and original! It’s not like I’ve ever heard that before! With May fourth and sixth come the ugly graphic t-shirts and cheugy disney adults posting about it on Facebook. 

My birthday is in June, and when May comes around I start to plan and get excited for my birthday. Since my birthday is at the end of June however, there’s still technically two months until my actual birthday. 

You might be thinking, “Why not wait until later to start planning your birthday?” No. Absolutely not. It’s like when the sun comes up and the birds just have to start singing. May calls out to me and makes me start thinking about my birthday. It’s not a choice, it’s an uncontrollable urge to get excited for things happening in June. 

The name is dumb. May is the only month with only three letters in the name. It’s like they weren’t even trying to come up with a cool name. October is such a dope name for a month, as is August. But for some reason May is the month that most parents decide to name their kids after. 

According to The British Museum, May is named after the Greek Goddess Maia. First of all, Maia is a way cooler name than May. A lot of Greek stories have some cool and interesting plots and are fun to learn about. Not Maia. She lived alone in a cave and had her son by Zeus. That’s the whole story. She’s known as the “nursing mother” and while motherhood is cool and all, I prefer feminist stories that include a little more than just having kids. 

Everything considered, May is an awful month. Personally I think we should remove it from the twelve months altogether, and anything that needs to be moved can be done so easily. It’d be pretty hard to get the Earth to agree though, and it’d spin the same way no matter what months we take out. Plus we would have the same weather issues anyways so I guess it’s a lose-lose situation. I reserve the right to stay bitter about it though.